The Hexagon
by ToiletFacility
Summary: Read and Review, No Flames, I suck at summaries, and not a Mary-Sue. ALEX RIDER FANFICTION PARODY.
1. Chapter 1

**If you got past the sucky summary, then well done! If you only got past the summary so that you would review and tell me how bad it was, please be aware that this story is an attempt to bring all the cliches of Alex Rider fanfiction in one story. **

**I was planning to write a whole fic where Alex went to an SAS training camp, discovered his burning passion for Wolf, Yassen, James Sprintz, Paul Drevin, and Yassen's daughter, then became a bodyguard to James Sprintz, then Jack died, then Alex had to go on a mission with the new Mary-Sue in town, (who was Yassen's long-lost daughter) who was a spy for the CIA, go on a mission with her, and so on, but then I lost my draft, which included a long, vital list of major plotlines, so I probably won't t continue until I find it. (Sorry about the insanely long sentence.)**

**In other words, I did it on purpose.**

Alex Rider was tired.

He had just gotten back from the brutal SAS training camp with his class (what a week!), only to rediscover his mutual passion for a certain soldier who he hadn't thought he would ever see again, then come back home and receive a text message from Wolf, ending their relationship. He lay awake thinking all night.

Alex didn't know how he would live without his Wolf.

So it was no wonder that he had fallen asleep in Algebra on this depressing Friday morning.

'Wake UP!' hissed Tom, to no avail.

Tom could swear he heard Alex murmur something that sounded suspiciously like:

'Yassen, we're just too different.'

He then succeeded by smashing a pencil case over his head. (Just in time, as well, because at that moment their head teacher Mr. Bray walked into the room.)

Alex was too groggy to notice who he had with him.

'Class, we have a new student with us today; her name is Ria Komakov. I hope you will make her feel welcome."

Alex finally gained the strength to look up, and gasped. All thoughts of Yassen and Wolf instantly vanished.

This girl… (Ria, he told himself) was so… beautiful. He couldn't think straight.

It wasn't the tiredness. It was because he was bewitched.

She stood, there, a little self-conscious and yet defiant, as Alex marvelled at her beauty. She had cascading raven locks that formed perfect ringlets down her back. (Tom dimly wondered whether you could shoot peas through her curls, they were THAT perfect.)

They caught the sunshine in ways Alex didn't think possible.

_No one should be allowed to be that attractive, _he thought. _It makes the rest of us feel so hideous.* _

She casually brushed a lock of the ivory hair from her eyes - sparkling emerald, with flecks of sapphire blue, (eyes that seemed to know everything, and yet maintain a gorgeous innocence)- allowing Alex to look upon her perfect features.

Her radiant porcelain skin seemed to glow. It was free of blemishes, unless you could count a beauty spot set above her magenta cupid's bow lips.

_Ria is __**perfect**__, _he thought.

He thought he could see something familiar about her face, but Alex just put this down to his girl-induced stupor.

He unwillingly snapped out of his reverie when Mr. Bray cleared his throat. (Unnecessarily loudly, in Alex's opinion.)

"Well, Ria, why don't you tell us a bit about yourself?"

"I just moved here from America to live with my aunt." What looked like sadness filled her eyes. "She's the only relative I have left after my mother died."

"Oh. Well, er, Ria, what an interesting name!" said Mr. Bray rather pathetically.

"Thank you!" she said with a shy smile. "It's short for Maria-Susan Amelie Anastasia Violet Komakov."

"Oh, really? Why don't you sit in that seat next to Alex Rider then, Ria?"

Her eyes flashed silver with what looked like recognition, but it was gone as soon as it came.

She sat down.

Alex tried to shoot her a friendly grin but he couldn't move that vacuous, dreamy expression off his face. He instead settled for an idiotic, pained expression.

_Stupid, Stupid, STUPID! _He scolded himself.

He gave a sharp intake of breath as Ria sat down next to him, which conveniently resulted in him choking on his own spit.

Alex couldn't help but stare at this absolute **goddess. **She noticed, but he didn't care. He had lost his last scrap of dignity long ago.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer," said Ria with a smile.

Scratch that, Alex cared a LOT.

"**Disclaimer: I own Alex Rider. It's true. I am the genius behind it ALL!!" **(cackles the delusioned author.)

***Says Alex Rider, the most (in my opinion) attractive fictional character there is! **


	2. Chapter 2

Alex was smitten. There was no other way to put it.

This was more, much, much more than he had ever felt with Wolf. Or Yassen. Or, dare he say it, even Paul Drevin.

It was an hour or so in the lesson. Alex had tried maintaining a cool and calm composure, but had given it up as a bad job. It took enough willpower already to gain control of his salivary glands- looking cool would be too much energy.

He would prefer to look like an idiot than a drooling one.

In fact, everything seemed to be going perfectly well, until Ria dropped her pencil.

Desperately thinking that she would have him in a nice-guy persona, he had all-to-enthusiastically leapt down from his seat, knocked heads with her, lost his balance, and landed sprawled on the floor. He thought he could stay there forever.

_Ah, _he thought blissfully. _Our first physical contact._

"Sorry! Are you alright!" she asked cheerily, holding out her hand.

_Her hand._ It was the most beautiful hand he had ever seen. And she was offering it to him!

His mind imploded and went into overdrive. All coherent thought leaked out through his ear.

"I do." He said dreamily.

"Sorry, what was that?"

Alex searched desperately for his mental reserve of witty, engaging comebacks.

"Oh, err, nothing!" was the best he could find.

Despite the fact that he had effectively turned himself into a blithering dunce in her eyes, nothing could break him out of his trancelike state. _ Nothing at all_ he thought as he rode his bike home, until…

His bike screeched to a stop. Even on his natural high he had maintained his automatic habit of observing carefully, watching everyone in the room, or in this case, the cars outside.

He wished it wasn't true, but in a black BMW, he was sure he saw the undeniably attractive face of Yassen Gregorovitch. This wasn't the biggest shock.

Yassen had been dead for months. What surprised him even more was who was sitting in the front seat next to him. It was Ria.

**The plot thickens. (It just keeps getting cornier and more cliché!) I'm sorry about the length but I don't want to go on for too long- the chapters seem to fit. (I am eternally jealous of all those authors who can somehow manage 1,000 word chapters.**

**Aaand, thankyou to my reviewers! Or should I say **_**reviewer, **_**seeing as only one person decided to tell me how my story was going- thank you again.**


	3. Chapter 3

**FILLER CHAPTER**

**PLEASE READ: I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE A CHAPTER THAT CONSISTED OF AN AUTHOR'S NOTE (IT ANNOYS ME WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT) SO I WROTE A VERY SHORT CHAPTER INSTEAD. (INCLUDING THE AUTHOR'S NOTE)**

**Is anyone reading this fic in search of raunchy slash scenes? If so, then prepare to be disappointed.**

**Also, just wondering if anyone got the Ria pun. Ria is short for Maria… Maria-Susan.**

**Am I understood or was it too subtle?**

**Disclaimer: No matter how many times I put him on my birthday and Christmas list, my parents still haven't taken the initiative and brought me the rights to own Alex Rider. **

**Shame. **

Alex gaped. Not for long, though, because his overly calculating, problem solving mind that somehow managed to piece things together brilliantly was already poring through options and possible explanations. It didn't help at all.

Of course, due to the presence of Ria, his common sense was somewhat dulled.

So, Alex did one thing that came naturally to him. He followed the car.

After running over several pedestrians, Alex had to finally admit that he had lost them. The only thing that had consoled him somewhat was the fact that Yassen didn't kill children.

At least, he hoped so anyway. He had become a bit less sure after the bullfight.

Alex had no idea what to do. How could he confront Yassen? What would he say?

_Excuse me Yassen, but after agonising about our long, painful break up for two whole months I saw you with a potential girlfriend. Oh- I forgot to ask- why aren't you dead?_

Somehow Alex didn't think it would go down too well.

It was at that moment that his phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Alex, this is Crawley. You are required at the bank." (1)

________________________________________________________________________________

**It's been an incredibly long time since I've read the books so I have absolutely no idea how this phone conversation would go. I understand that it sounds a little bit stiff and disjointed and I'm sorry.**

**Author's Note****- I've lost my draft!!! If anyone notices an awfully common plotline that I haven't mentioned and could possibly use in this story, could you please tell me in a review?? I need it because I've forgotten most of them!!!**


	4. Chapter 4

Alex reluctantly made his way up to the office. He was greeted by the familiar face of the receptionist; who _recognised _him.

He hated that.

While he walked to the office, he had no idea what was going on in a building little more than 50 metres away.

Deep down in the renovated cellar of the Society Corps for Integration and Assimilation (1), the remaining executive board of Scorpia were having a meeting.

They had believed the last attempt on Alex Rider's life was successful, which was one of their biggest mistakes. Alex Rider went on to defeat one of their major plans _again_.

The humiliation was painful, and there was nothing they all wanted more than revenge.

This time, however a Miss Charlotte Rothman had joined them.

Charlotte wasn't a sentimental woman.

The death of her sister had surprised her, but it hadn't affected her deeply.

What really stung was the fact that before she had died, her sister had been betrayed.

She had been betrayed by a fourteen year old who she had taken in and cared for! Invisible Sword had failed and Charlotte didn't want a magnificent organisation such as hers to face that kind of embarrassment.

She didn't think anyone with the qualities of her sister should have _that_ happen to them.

After being a low ranking delivery operative for the past five years, Charlotte had gained a burning passion to be better than Julia. She had grown up being told that she was second best, and _never _as goodas the beautiful, capable Julia.

Julia had gained an important position and constantly taunted her because of it. Charlotte had grown up being rated second best.

After wanting the kind of influence her sister had for so long, she had finally got it. Now she had it, she wasn't so sure.

But what Charlotte did know she wanted was revenge. Revenge for Scorpia, and another threat stifled. It was all part of business, and it her business to tie up loose ends, which involved the extermination of Alex Rider.

She had a plan. A fail-proof plan. Alex Rider wouldn't know what was coming to him.

"Alex, we believe Scorpia has come under new management."

Blunt, as usual, was as direct as ever.

"Although we believed we had forged an agreement, after the incident in Australia, they've decided you are a threat that needs to be stifled. We've tripled security measures so that you may be protected. However, knowing Scorpia, this may not be enough.

To ensure you and your school's full protection we have placed another agent in the grounds.

Alex, I'd like you to meet Maria-Susan Komakov."

Alex gaped.

_Ria. _This was RIA. **The** Ria. An agent.

Alex didn't know what to say. This was mad. He had a million questions he would like to ask but he couldn't settle on just one.

"Ria? Her? _Them?_"

"Maria has been on several successful missions for the CIA and you will find she is quite competent. She is expected to show up any minute now."

This was too much to handle. He couldn't believe it. He wanted answers.

The one person who could give them to him had just walked into the room.

"Sorry I'm late!" she said with a laugh.

"Dad was working late when he came to pick me up. Then his car broke down."

_Dad. _Ria was in the car with Yassen. She was in the car with her _father_.

For what seemed like the thousandth time that day, Alex was lost for words.

________________________________________________________________________________

**I know, I know. I couldn't think of anything else.**

**The plot thickens!! I bet you were expecting that, seeing as it is the plotline of practically every single story in this site!**

**You know, reading a story and not reviewing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. Would you do that?? Would you wrap a present and not give it??? Even if you hated it, could you please tell me why?**

**Thank you to every one who has reviewed, (I get excited when only one person does) you've made someone's day!**


	5. Chapter 5

**

* * *

**

The fifth instalment of a series that seems to have more plot holes than a golf ball:

**Read at own risk.**

* * *

"Yassen's your father," said Alex disbelievingly. "Your FATHER is Yassen!"

"Yes," said Ria coolly. "How do you know my Dad?"

Alex snorted, but didn't know what to say. He looked at Blunt. "Should I tell her?"

"No." intoned Blunt. "It may well just be a startling plot twist when she finds out…. We may as well leave everyone in suspense a while longer. In the meantime, go find Smithers, who will equip you with some gadgets."

Alex knew the conversation was over. Well, that was probably just because he had had a direct dismissal.

* * *

"Ria… You're an agent." Alex once again didn't know what to say.

"Yeah." Was all he got in return.

"Er… why? How?"

"I always thought my parents were dead… I lived with my Auntie Adelie for the first ten years of my life. Then the CIA got hold of me... I was only ten, but I finished the mission properly. They used me ever since. I never wanted this life." said Ria softly.

"It's alright." said Alex, losing his drooling idiot persona for some reason. He told her all about _his_ missions. Hers were definitely harder, and on a grander scale, (1) but finally, he had someone who he could relate to. Even if she had saved the world twenty-seven times.

After what seemed like an eternity, they entered Smithers' office.

"Alex, m'dear boy!" said Smithers jovially. "And Ria, how are you?"

"Good, thanks, Smithers!"

A little while and several impossible gadgets later, Ria and Alex walked home. It was getting dark.

"Turn around, and put your hands up."

They both slowly turned around.

At least ten men in black suits, the pictures of subtlety itself, stood before them. Alex noticed, with growing dread, the glint of a silver scorpion in the head thug's ear.

"Come quietly and we won't hurt you-" the thug started, but didn't get to finish, as Ria slammed her foot into his face. He dropped like a stone, and didn't even have time to cry out. Alex advanced on the next one, only to be caught by surprise as he kicked a foot into Alex's stomach. Winded, he gasped and doubled over, allowing the thug to grab him and hold a knife to his throat.

"I said, come quietly, or your boyfriend gets it."

Ria responded by incapacitating him with a knife strike to the neck. Alex looked around, and to his amazement, found the street littered with bodies.

"Wow." Alex breathed. "You are brilliant."

"Only Fifth Dan." shrugged Ria.

"Come on, let's go home."

* * *

**Oooh, it gets worse! Ria is insanely better than he is!!**

**Of course, she is a better agent than he is….**

**Oh, yeah, please DON'T read and review. **

**(I found out in one of my other stories how successful reverse psychology is….)**


	6. AUTHOR'S NOTE SORRY!

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I am so, so, sorry about including one of my chapters as an author's note. I absolutely _despise_ it when people do that…

But I just uploaded Chapter 5, but for some reason the story didn't appear on the screen as having been updated. I thought that if I just put in another chapter as an author's note, then it would appear at the top of the list, and people would know that I had put in another chapter. I'm sorry if that annoys anyone, (it certainly annoys me) but I wanted other people to read the new chapter.

Hopefully it works.


	7. Chapter 7

**Yes, another chapter! I've actually decided to update! (Sorry it took so long, but the later chapters seemed to be getting less funny and I wanted to sort it out first.)**

**Read instructions below and do not operate heavy machinery.**

Because Alex was such a _concerned gentlemen _where Ria was involved, he thought that he should walk her home.

"Come on, Ria, where do you live? I'll walk you home!" said Alex, like this was the best idea in the world.

Ria gave him an incredulous look.

"Don't you **dare**! You're a magnet for attackers, and, last time I heard, chivalry died at least one hundred years ago! I can look after myself, thank you very much!" She said with a slight smile playing upon her heavenly lips.

_She's so… strong…_ thought Alex. _ Here is a girl who knows how to look after herself._

Without knowing it, Alex began to lean forward. His lips brushed hers, in a tender, passionate kiss. He was on top of the world. Ria looked at him with a deep passion… and was that sadness? Something glittered in her gorgeous emerald eyes and she ran away.

"RIA!! WAIT!!!" yelled Alex. She turned her head and gave Alex a fleeting, blank look, and ran on. Ria was eventually swallowed by the approaching darkness. Dejected, Alex turned and slumped back home.

Alex agonised all night on what he should say to Ria. Why had she run off like that? Did she have a boyfriend who would undoubtedly kill him? Could she possibly be put off by his year long relationship with her father? Or did she have some horrible debilitating, angsty secret that somehow prevented her from loving him?

For some non-discerning reason, Alex seriously doubted it was the latter.

After another sleepless night, Alex got up and rode his bike to school. Unfortunately, he couldn't find Ria anywhere. Alex finally gave up and went to his locker to get his books. To his surprise, there was a piece of hot pink paper taped to the door. How did she know his favourite colour?

The note read:

_I'm sorry_

_There are things _

_I can't say_

_In your presence_

_I'm blown away_

_In your presence_

_I'm more than sorry_

_But there are things _

_That I must do_

_And I can't let them hurt you_

_I would die if that happened._

_Don't think that my silence speaks._

_It's more than just a mask._

_Look into my eyes_

_And see the sincerity there. (1)_

Alex read through the note several times and bit his lip. It was beautiful. Alex had never read anything more beautiful in his life. Ria was definitely the most talented girl he would ever meet.

But where was she?

Not knowing what else to do, Alex looked inside Ria's locker. It was clean and tidy, yet with a colourful spontaneity. There was also a sketchbook… he opened it and gasped as a realistic looking tiger seemed to jump out at him. She was an artist as well as a poet and an athlete. He turned the page and felt his heart fill with warmth as there was a beautiful portrait of him. Underneath the signature was a tiny love heart.

He didn't care about school now. He had to find Ria.

**I took the Mary-Sue Litmus test, and guess what Ria got. She got a fifty-eight!!! I'm actually TRYING to make a massive Sue and she doesn't get the maximum score. That's really annoying. I'll have to add in some musical talent and her being an incredible actress if she is to become a fully- fledged Mary-Sue!**

**It's been a while since I've updated and I've kind of lost a bit of inspiration! Can anyone else think of some more overused plots? **

**Also, I'm the CEO of the Review Appeal, a company raising awareness about the dangers of not reviewing. It would be lovely if you showed your support by sending your name, age and address to 742 Feedback Drive, Criticism Town, and you will receive a free starter's pack shortly.**

**The company also appreciates donations in the form of reviews. **

**Thank you for your support!**


	8. Chapter 8

Alex bolted down the corridor, not caring whether anyone saw him or not. He knew that Ria could look after herself, but still, he would never forgive himself in anything happened to her.

He staggered to a halt as an announcement came over the PA system. Instead of the school secretary's usual announcements, this time an unknown speaker boomed over the system.

"Children of Brooklands High School. Listen carefully, for I will not repeat this.

My men and I are searching for an Alex Rider. We want him surrendered quickly, without any fuss. If you fail to meet our demands, then your extermination will be swift. There are over 100 armed men located outside the school. If any one of you steps one foot outside, or tries _any_ funny business, then you will be shot. If Alex Rider doesn't step inside Room 19 in the next thirty seconds, then the twenty-eight children in here will be shot. Are you listening, Alex?"

Alex groaned. This was _inconvenient._ He hated to admit it, but Ria could wait. He couldn't place the lives of dozens of others ahead of Ria.

_Or could I… _pondered Alex. No, he couldn't.

"Alex Rider, you have fifteen seconds left." said the voice calmly.

He bolted into Room 19 and slammed the door shut, only to come face-to-face with a huge man armed with an MG34 machine gun and two Walther P99 poking out from a holster around his waist.

His hair was shaved in a bristled buzz cut.

This wasn't a man. This was a heavily armed mountain.

Once Alex managed to overcome his shock and glance behind the vast figure, he caught sight of two more giant assassins, similarly armed.

"Well, Alex, are you going to come quietly? Or will we have to do this the hard way?" the first thug leered.

"The hard way, I'm afraid." Said Alex matter of factly.

"Is that the case?" snarled another one. It seemed odd to Alex that they were happy to just indulge in some pointless banter, instead of doing some actual shooting.

"Well, do you plan on telling me your evil plan first? So that I can escape, then alert the world, shaming, you and your organization, then landing you all in jail? That's the way it usually goes."

The men had obviously decided that the time for smart-alec chatter had passed. Alex dodged a swift kick to his stomach, countering with a blow to the neck. The man (Alex decided to name him Mountain No.1- no, make that Everest) blocked and hit Alex in the stomach. Winded, he doubled over, gasping for air. Mr. Everest used the distraction to reach for his knife.

Alex quickly recovered and slammed his knee into the man's groin. He yelled in pain and doubled over. Alex smiled; but his victory was short-lived when Mountain No.2 (Mr. K2) struck him in the temple.

The world blurred in a sickening flash of colours. Alex fell to his knees, trying to regain his balance. He know had the mother of all headaches, but that didn't matter. He would soon miraculously recover with no side effects, or any sign of concussion or brain damage. (1)

He jumped to his feet and lunged at Mr. K2. He snarled and leaped out of the way.

Alex knew he would be able to keep this up for much longer. He was fighting three elephants, and was know tired and slowing down. Without any other option, he lunged for K2s machine gun. This time, K2 lost his balance and stumbled slightly.

_That's what you get for doing combat with a machine gun on your back. _Alex thought grimly.

He loosened his grip and the gun clattered to the floor, firing, and breaking a window. Several people screamed. Alex dived to the floor at the same time as K2.

"GIVE IT TO ME, YOU LITTLE BRAT!" yelled K2. Alex snarled and leapt to his feet, wrenching it out of his grasp.

Mountain No. 3 decided to join the fight, and leapt for the gun. He slammed into Alex, knocking him onto the floor, and pinning him down. Alex thought at least his ribs were broken. The breath was knocked out of him, and he spent several seconds lying motionless on the floor. He was hurt and dizzy, and didn't notice the gun go flying. He also didn't notice the slender black figure appear in the doorway, then leap and catch it.

All he noticed was the foot that was pressing down on his chest… hard. He screamed in pain as his chest felt like it had exploded. He couldn't see anything but white, burning hot white. He clenched his teeth to stop himself from losing control.

He only came back when he heard a voice. _That voice. _

"YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT, YOU BASTARDS!!!!"

Alex sighed. Nothing else mattered. There was no one else but him and the owner. Alex closed his eyes and slowly opened them again.

He had died and gone to heaven. That had to be it. He was in heaven and an angel on steroids was kissing him…

Alex gasped and opened his eyes again. Scratch that, an angel on steroids was giving him mouth-to-mouth.

Oh well. It was close enough.

* * *

**(1)****Hint, hint, Mr. Horowitz?**

**So, how did you like this chapter? And, more importantly, what did I do wrong?**

**I am SO sorry I took so long to update. Serial procrastinating should be recognized as a legitimate medical condition… **

**Sorry but I have no time to be witty in a request for reviews, or anything like that. But… If I keep writing then I might reach 1000 words, which is a rare thing for me.**

**I would also like to thank theNotedMusician for her idea about what happens in this chapter. **

**I didn't want to Mary-Sue TOO much… don't worry, you may not see her as much in the coming chapters! **

**Anyway, I'd best be off to go get a check up for my Serial Procrastination. It's a very serious problem that needs a lot more to be known about it, so that a cure can be found.**

_**You**_** can support the idea by sending donations, in the form of reviews.**

**Your contribution is much appreciated.**


	9. Chapter 9

**HEYY XX IM BACK AGAIN! XX**

**sooo, ther wuz 1 main thing I forgot that heps of suethors lyke doing- and that iz delibretely spellin thingz wrong in da summerys. its impossibel 2 read proply and drives ppl mad wit its extreme lak ov respect 2 da english languich. lol**

**I find it excruciating to write like that, so I will discontinue, and then leave you with a remarkably witty disclaimer:**

**Nope. I have nothing.**

* * *

Damn. The steroided angel had stopped.

'Come on Alex,' she pleaded 'Don't you DARE stop breathing on me.'

Alex gasped and shuddered. He looked up into her eyes… Those eyes... They were like deep endless pools of clear, calming water with flecks of sparkling turquoise and jade. It was as if an intoxicated hobo had passed out in the street, shattering his beer bottle into a thousand shimmering, verdant shards, sparkling in the light of the moon. A diamond held nothing, _nothing _at allto the overwhelming beauty that looked anxiously down at him. He could have stayed there forever, just watching her concerned gaze.

'Ria,' he whispered.

'Yes?"

He didn't need to say a word.

Alex wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a passionate kiss. He wanted to just lie there, without ever leaving. It felt like there was no one in the room, hell, no one in the whole universe except him and his beloved Ria. He sank his lips next to hers, tenderly kissing her. To his surprised delight, she kissed him back.

He felt as if the moment had lasted him an eternity, yet, it only lasted approximately 57.89 seconds. But who was counting?

Alex only looked up from his angel when he heard a voice. That voice was one of the only reasons he could _ever_ stop.

'Hey. It's Double-Oh-Nothing.'

Oh no. Oh no. _Eagle. _

'I said, it's Double-Oh-Nothing.' Eagle intoned, slightly louder this time.

If Eagle was here, then that could only mean…

'Alex!' Wolf hissed, his fists clenching in fury.

Alex now despised Eagle even more than he already had, for interrupting his first kiss. (With a girl, that is.) It was the best kiss of his life, hell; even Artemis Fowl hadn't been _that _good.

Alex would never want to go through the agonising details of his breakup with Wolf. So why was he here? Why did they have an SAS unit coming all the way from Wales, just to deal with three assassins, plus the one hundred armed forces who clearly weren't waiting outside?

'You told me you could NEVER be with another girl!' growled Wolf.

'_You _broke up with _me_. I don't think anything I said can really count too much now.' Alex stated calmly.

'A friend, Alex?' asked Ria, her grip tightening on his shirt. Her hand moved an inch towards his neck.

'I, er, well, um, the thing about that is…' Alex trailed off hopelessly, watching her beautiful fingers move slowly towards his throat.

'You like boys.' She said, breathing in deeply. One of her magnificent eyes twitched.

'No- actually-I-there was Sabina-'

Ria exhaled slowly.

'Alex?' Snake asked kindly, gesturing to his rifle. 'Do you want me to shoot that foot for you?'

'You were having me on this whole time.' She stated.

Fox, who was there for some reason, put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

'Mary-Sue, I think it would be best if you didn't strangle Alex.'

'My name is not Mary Sue.' seethed Mary-Sue, whoops, I mean Ria. 'My name is Maria-Susan Amelie Anastasia Violet.'

Snake put his hand on her other shoulder.

'Alex is not having you on, Ria. I've seen Alex, and I know when he loves somebody. It's clear to me that he cares about you a lot.'

'Is that-Is that true, Alex?' Ria pleaded. Unfortunately, she hadn't noticed that her hands had tightened around his neck and were choking him mercilessly. With a gasp, she stopped, and tenderly massaged his bruised neck.

'YES!' said Alex, gasping for air.

'Well then I don't care how many boys you've dated.' (1)

Alex gave her a brief kiss, then looked at Snake and asked him,

'What are you here for?'

'Oh, the government said we were needed as a safety precaution. This is just while the school is in lockdown. We're waiting for the heads of SO to arrive.'

Until then, Alex's classmates had just been sitting in shock. Then, Wendell Jenkins, the unpopular know-it-all, timidly raised his hand and said:

'Excuse me sir, but who were those men?'

'That's not for us to answer. Just stay quiet and don't panic until we tell you to. There may be more men outside the building.'

Fox inspected one of the three mountains, poking Everest with his toe.

'He's feeling no pain, if you catch my drift.'

'I wish I was as lucky as him.' said Eagle dully. 'What about the others.'

It was said without any hint of questioning.

'This guy's got a pulse!'

'That's dreary.' Said Eagle in a monotone.

'The heads should be here any moment now.' said Snake. 'Max, can you tie that guy up?'

'**Max?**' snorted Alex. 'Your name is Max?'

Eagle slowly and creepily looked at Alex. 'My name is Maximum Pain.'

'Wow.' said Alex. 'Your parents must have hated you.'

'They misunderstood me.' said Max. 'But then again, so does the rest of the world.'

Alex backed away slowly.

The awkward silence was then broken by Wolf's mobile playing a loud and shrill version of 'I Kissed a Girl'

'Hello?' answered Wolf.

"Yes. Alright then. Thank you.'

He turned to face the room.

'That was the heads. They want a meeting with you after school. Also, there is an assassin located in the vicinity. We have to find the man ourselves, as the phone line was cut.'

It was then that Yassen Gregorovich walked into the room.

Several weapons were instantly drawn.

Yassen put his empty hands up and said:

"Maria, why haven't you killed him yet?'

* * *

**(1) Six, just in case you're curious. **

**Don't tell me Eagle is out of character. Seriously, don't. As much as I love Amitai's portrayal of him, people forget that it's not canon. This is MY parody, and in MY parody, Eagle is an emo.**

**Next chapter (if I ever get around to updating) includes Alex's no-so-secret admirer. Yes, _another_ one. It's nothing at all graphic, but still, prepare to be scarred for life. The first person who guesses which (canon) character is madly in love with Alex:**

**GETS A FREE IPOD TOUCH!!**

**Disclaimer: The above statement is not actually true.**

**A grand total of two people reviewed my last chapter. I'm not hinting ****anything ****at all here, so I'll just repeat. Two people reviewed my last chapter. **

**A grand total of **_**two **_**people, if you catch my meaning.**


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm back!! I'm so sorry for not updating, but the real world needed attending to. Sorry again!**

**I seem to have exhausted my supply of witty disclaimers.**

**Damn.**

* * *

Alex gasped. This, along with the lack of sufficient oxygen in his windpipe made it quite difficult to breathe. It was no matter, as he recovered unnaturally quickly in that way that Alex Rider always does.

"What- did you- say?" he panted.

"Maria, why have you not completed your job? I trusted you for this mission. You gave me your word. I was under the impression that you did not let such_ desires_ get in the way of your duty."

Alex sighed blissfully. This was the love of his- wait, one of the several loves of his life, just the way he remembered him.

So cool, so calm, and so _capable_. Why had they broken up again? Was it the fact that he had started dating his daughter? No, that couldn't be it! Alex's mind was completely blank.

K-Unit, who, for some odd coincidence were the only Unit there, other than some random guy called Panther who was Ben's replacement, (even though Ben was there anyway) immediately picked up at the tension in the room.

"OH GOD!! NOT ANOTHER ONE!" yelled Wolf, promptly bursting into tears.

Alex was mortified. The only way this could get any worse was if Artemis Fowl suddenly appeared. Thankfully, this was unlikely. Last time Alex checked, Artemis was busy being the father of a half-elf baby who had suddenly appeared after one of Artemis's long and frequent trips. To the scorn of his younger brothers, Artemis had softened considerably anyway.

He was keeping quiet about the identity of the mother.

Speaking of parents- oh yes, that was it- Yassen had made the mistake of telling Alex that he had a brief but explosive love affair with John Rider.

Alex had taken offense.

"Alex. It is good to see you well." said Yassen. It was with absolutely no form of expression whatsoever, just as Alex remembered. "Unfortunately, your good health cannot be long lived. I had arranged an assignment for my daughter here. I had wanted to keep her away from the world of guns, sabotage and lies that you seem to attract. Unfortunately, I grew tired of such pretence by the time Maria was six years old, and she was recruited by Scorpia, completing dozens of successful missions since. She is the ultimate weapon, as no one will suspect a thing."

Alex had not heard anything from Ria up to this point. He dared to glance in her direction, and, to his surprise, saw tears dripping down her cheeks.

"Now, Ria, do it now!" said Yassen.

Ria gasped.

"I'm sorry."

There was a bang. Alex felt nothing.

* * *

Heaven was grey. That was the first thing Alex noticed.

He groaned and held a hand to his aching head.

"You are awake, Alex." intoned a familiar voice.

_Oh no,_ thought Alex_. This must be the other place. What could I have done to get there?_

_Oh. Right._

"Alex. It is good to see you alive and well. In fact, you're looking_ very_ well." said Blunt.

_So I'm alive then_.

"The Maria business wan't too well handled. I believed you had learned your lesson about forming emotional attachments to others. However, this is not the reason that you are here."

"No! I refuse to work for you again!" yelled Alex.

"That is another matter. I have brought you into my office because I, er, have a confession."

Alex had NEVER heard Blunt say 'er.'

"It has come to my attention that certain feelings have gotten in the way of our professional relationship."

What professional relationship?

When Blunt looked at him oddly, Alex realised he had said that last thought aloud.

"These- _feelings _seem to be impossible to ignore." Blunt shifted uncomfortably. "The thing is… I… I love you. I've loved you ever since the moment I set eyes on you. Every time I sent you away, it was because I didn't want to lose you."

Blunt looked Alex in the eyes.

Normally, Alex would have been especially revolted by this confession. But, this is the world of fanfiction, and in fanfiction, Alex randomly falls in love with those who he hates, because, clearly hate plus hate equals love.

"I- I don't know what to say." Alex stammered.

"Then make no sound." **(1)**

Alex gave Blunt a soft kiss on the cheek and walked away.

* * *

**(1) Sorry but I couldn't help the Les Mis reference!**

**Well that was ew. Seriously, ew. Yes, that was a dig at fanfiction pedophile relationships. I can't stand them, so naturally, I had to write a story about them!**

**Anyway, nobody gets the iPod…**

**Please review, or I'll- or I'll- I'll throw an iPod at you! Yeah! Fear me with my pointy, non-existant iPod!**


	11. Chapter 11

I am SOOOOOOOOO so sorry for not, like, updating but my computer crashed and then the internet was down and then I had to like, flee the country!!!! LOL!!!! ROFLSQUEEROFLLMAO!

Then I lost my USB which had ALL my stories on it. Now I'm completely losing inspiration on this story and I don't know what to put next!! So, despite the fact that it is against the site rules, and annoys the hell out of everyone, I'll put in a really long, pointless author's note instead, along with a poll! Yay!!

**A)** Alex talks to Ria and finds out about her angsty and tragic past and immediately forgives her for trying to kill him.

**B)** Jack dies so Alex is sent to the SAS camp and falls back in love with Wolf.

**C)** Alex takes Ria on a date but is interrupted by dozens of armed Scorpia men who all have scorpion tattoos and earrings and defeats them all single-handedly by punching one and using a spinning kick against another **(1)** at the same time. Unfortunately, one of them kicks him in the chest so Ria has to step in and save Alex with her fifth grade black belt karate moves.

**D)** He gets sent to be James Sprintz's bodyguard, (despite the fact that he is fourteen years old) and falls in love with him.

**E)** OR, I could completely ignore everybody's helpful advice and just make it up as a go along, leading to a rambling, annoying, disorganised and badly plotted story.

What do you think?

And I'm not putting up another chapter until I get 37 reviews!!

* * *

**(1) The idea came from a review for prone2dementia's The Art of the Fight.**

**Wow, I managed to put nearly everything that annoys me most in here and it's not even a chapter! (pats self on back.)**


End file.
